So very nervous about tomorrow's interview. I'm telling myself not to be, because some things that makes me nervous in the first place (such as the lack of experience) is beyond my control, but that kinda made the whole thing worse.

This is my third interview since I first job-hunted, though the first one doesn't count coz it was with a headhunter firm looking for customer service reps for their clients which I declined. Midnight shifts are not very appealing. But anyways, I don't know what to expect for tomorrow's interview. I'm just hoping to be able to keep my act together and not make any major screw-ups or slip-ups *fingers crossed*.

Truth be told, getting the job and acing the interview is a long shot, and believe me I'm not exaggerating. I just hope to be able to make an impression deep enough to at least have them consider me to be part of their team.

one obscure blog post, coming up!

This is going to be one of those hazy, ambiguous blog post that I tend to do at times. It is not going to be hard to understand, so do read, ya? You just may not know what I am really writing about.

I have decided to not be bitter anymore. Some things happened in the past that made me question the intention of people close to me, when they decided to make big decisions regarding yours truly without really seeking my opinion.

But I see now that they want to help. I still don't agree with how they chose to do what they did, but I understand that they mean well.

I still worry of the future repercussions - if any - of agreeing to them, but someone dear told me that I shouldn't be too concerned about it. And he's right. I don't know what may happen in the future. Things may work out to be totally opposite of what I've been worrying about.

Furthermore, I don't see how I am going to happy if I keep on worrying like that. This decision they made is to benefit me, and will insya Allah last well into the future. The real problem I have is not the decision itself, but how they came to the decision.

So I've decided to place that part behind me. But admittedly, still keeping it closely behind so I can check on it once in a while. One can never be too safe or too sure.

So... that's it with the bitterness. I can choose to be bitter and spiteful about this whole thing, but no one will benefit from that. I am afraid it will only drive me away from the people I love.

I certainly don't want that.

Bore.

Next time my husband plays paintball out of state, I'm tagging along. Sure I'll be bored coz I can't be at the field for too long with Hamzah around, but at least I won't be missing my Sayang too much.

Plus, its boring to just stay at home too.

But oh well. Lyana may be able to provide me with a little salvation tomorrow, if she recovers from her flu and cough in time. She's going to start work again on Monday, and I'm not sure how her weekend schedule are going to be like at her new workplace, so it might be a while before I get to see her on a Sunday again.

So here's hoping for a healthy Lyana! *crosses fingers*

while waiting for my son to wake up, i ramble.

I need to find a job. Like... yesterday.

I got one interview sometime next week, Alhamdullilah. After sending out about 25 job applications, but still. Persistence is key, Insya Allah.

I was suppose to have another one, but I think the lady who called me up 'merajuk' with me for not being able to talk to her there and then. I was busy, nak buat macam mana kan? And I did call her afterwards and for the next two days after that. But hey, I took the hint. Their loss! Nyahahah~

I'm kinda hoping I'll be able to send out more resumes, get several more interviews (in case the one next week doesn't work out), and get a job within the next 2-3 months. The idea of working and not being with Hamzah during the day gets more and more unappealing with each passing day. But the fact that with more money, we will be a lot nearer to our dream of having our own home - and maybe a sibling for the Lil Lion - pumps me up.

Ada sesape tak nak hire a Communications graduate who hasn't worked for a year and a half? Lemme know okeh? :D

i make no apologies for the way i feel.

Here's my policy when it comes to helping people: Be sincere and don't expect the person you've helped to reward you.

Namanya pun tolong, kan. So why in hell are you all emo when that person couldn't do a favor for you? What, you expect him to simply give you what you want just because you helped him before? And its not like he doesn't appreciate what you've done for him. Quite simply, you're asking for way too much. And seriously, you rubbing it in his face and reminding of all you've done to help in the past is quite disgusting.

And dude please la. Just because you do some stuff to help people, doesn't mean you can freeload on them whenever you want to.

And oh, here's another policy of mine: Don't drop any last-minute bombs that in the end could only make things worse for the person you are helping.

You wanna help, but there's strings attached to it, jangan bagitau at the last minute. Or financially, if you can't help out 100% of what the other person is asking of you, don't act like he knows he won't be getting what he wanted when you've said nothing to indicate anything of that sort. Your help is very much appreciated regardless of the amount you can give or the time you can spend, but lay down the rules earlier on so he can make informed decisions. Don't wait till the last minute.

I'm ranting. People frustrates me sometimes. Pisses me off.

Ate Prayed Loved :)

Had a girlie movie and dinner session with Lyana last Friday, and we watched Eat Pray Love. I had reservations about the book, with the author being paid in advance to experience the stuff she's going to write about and all, but I love Julia Roberts. So I decided to leave my preconceptions behind, and to just enjoy the movie.

And I have to say, its rather good.

I describe the movie to Azzura as 'food for your soul', coz its not really a romantic comedy (romance didn't come till much later), and its not really a chick flick (although its main character is a woman). I'm not going to dwell too much about the story, but personally I think it has a very empowering message to everyone out there who is stuck in a rut and wants something else in their life - get off your ass and do it. I do find Ms Roberts' character Liz as a little ruthless sometimes, but when it comes to happiness, you gotta be selfish a little, no? Especially when its for everybody's good.

But I do have one beef with the movie - durian does not smell/taste like stinky feet! I'm not sure about Indonesian ones, but the good stuff from Malaysia is hella awesome! And to diss the fruit just coz one smooth talking Brazilian man with a heaven-sent smile said its not good is so chicken of Liz, since she went traveling to different countries in different continents alone. Durian seulas takleh plak try? hish.

But I digress.

Lyana's favorite part of the movie was Italy - where Liz ate. Looking at the food will make even anorexics change their mind and dive into a plateful of spaghetti. Bali - where she loved - is the most romantic part of the movie, I guess. I find that part of the movie as mediocre. I didn't find it as exciting as Liz's previous experiences.

But my favorite was India, the pray part of the movie. I don't know what I can say here that wouldn't give it out too much - so lets just leave it at emotional, shall we?

I wonder if the movie did the book justice. Anyone read the novel oops I mean memoir yet?

in a timely manner.

Maybe it's just me, but I find time to be moving faster nowadays.

I'm always surprised when the weekend is here, and suddenly its a new Monday (I consider Monday as the beginning of the week and weekend as the sweet sweet ending). It's kind of... terrifying.

I wonder if it'll feel the same once I start work, Insya Allah? haha I'm sure I'll be hoping for the day to end a lot sooner, so I can get back home to Hamzah :)

So.

I think its pretty much set (kot?) that I will soon start look for a job, possibly to begin in December or January. Which also means sending Hamzah to a daycare/nursery.

Initially I wanted to start working a few months after giving birth to the little Lion, but hubby wasn't keen on sending him to a nursery, so we waited till mommy finds a permanent nanny/maid to look after Hamzah. But he's already 8 months old, and there is no sign of a new maid, so I guess its time to stop waiting.

Working with hubs is great and all... I am only busy at the beginning of the month! But there has been changes in Subway as whole that made that early month workload easier to handle... It seems silly to continue with the company when I don't really do much.

But truth be told... I don't know how I'm going to deal with the fact that I won't be taking care of my Hammyboy for 8-9 hours each weekday. The thought of it honestly scares me. But then again... not being able to provide the best for him is much scarier. And how can we afford buying our own place by the end of 2011 with the money we make currently?

I don't know lah. In an ideal world, I want to be a stay at home mom and make a substantial amount of money so I don't have to go to work. But the ideal world is not realistic for us at the moment.

I hope I'll be able to find work in an industry that I love. Writing is top of the list, of course. Communications, too. Insya Allah :)

Right now, I'll continue enjoying waking up to Hamzah's smiling face, bathing him with his giggles filling the room, watch him crawl (he's getting so good at it already!), mimic him when he cries for attention (yes I am a bully :P), and sleep by his side.

Hah. Camne nak kerja ni.

Hello, blog. I've missed you.

I read on Wikipedia that the author of Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert, was paid in advance to write the book. Which is normal lah kan.

But wait a second. The book is a memoir, right? Of her life experiences following her divorce. So being paid in advance... How sure can we be that she did not seek out to experience things in her travels that would fit the book, and that she truly unbiasedly go through everything?

Seems kinda messed up.

But I haven't read the book, so maybe I shouldn't judge prematurely. And I am looking forward to catching the movie. Julia Roberts is almost always a delight to watch. (Except for her role as Tinkerbell in Hook. I don't get that one.)

And I shall end this post with a photo of my son. Gila takde kena mengena, I know. But he's sooooo enseemmmmmm~

Emran Hamzah is love.

So many words to describe how much I love him, that I am speechless. My obsession, my everything, my reason to live.

I'm considering shutting this blog down. I don't mind having just one reader - counting myself - but my posts are lately very few and very far between.

Or maybe I'll keep it for the occasional rantings.

Decisions, decisions.

6 days late, but Selamat Berpuasa everyone.

Al Fatihah.

Grandpa passed away on 6th June 2010.

20th June marked the 5th year anniversary since Mama's passing.

Then a dear uncle, Yop Taib, pulang the Rahmatullah on the very next day, 21st June.

June 2010 is a sad, sad month for me. Can't wait for the 29th to come (Hamzah will be 5 months old!), and then get this month over and done with.

I know that a new month does not make much difference - they are still gone and there's not much I can do about it. But I want to get this awful vibe off me, if that is even possible.

Furthermore, there are several things to look forward to in July - Hubby's birthday and our wedding anniversary just 3 days after that.

And maybe I can finally celebrate something this year. I realized a few days ago that I have yet to properly celebrate any special days of mine since 1st January 2010 - discounting my birthday of course, since I was busy having contractions and getting cut open and all that.

And off I go~

random thoughts.

This post is not triggered off by anything anyone said to me or something that I've seen recently. This is just my personal observation.

Anyhoot.

I hate it when people say things like "Nanti dah kahwin tau la macam mana", or "Let's see if you can do things better when you have children". Or something along that line in any situation at all.

I can get quite concerned sometimes when when I see something that's a little bit off. Sometimes I voice it out. And then I get retorts like this... which I think is rude, and downright offensive.

Just because you are dealing with the situation poorly (either by doing/acting/saying too little or too much), that does not mean other people who have yet to experience married life/parenthood/fill-in-the-blanks will do the same. I believe I speak for the most of us human beings when I say that we try to learn from other people's mistakes. There's a possibility that we might repeat them, but I honestly don't get the negative attitudes that usually comes with those remarks. Gila tak supportive kot.

At the same time, I hate it when people voice out their dislikes over things that they are not experiencing themselves, just because they do things differently. I am not being hypocritical - there's a difference between having an opinion and being a bitch about it. If you don't like it, fine lah. But unless you are in their shoes, then you wouldn't know the real deal in its entirety. What you see is not always what you get.

So don't be stubborn about your ideals being the only right choice, and accept the fact that there are different routes to reach the same destination. No one likes a Ms./Mr. Know-It-All, anyways.

I wish.

It really doesn't matter if you celebrate Mother's Day tomorrow, as long as you always appreciate her and have her best interest in your heart.

Furthermore, everyday is mother's day. But just like Valentine's, it is nice to have a specific day to do something special for that special lady in your life. Or, give her a break and send her off to a fully-sponsored spa. And I'm sure most moms would agree; a simple wish and a kiss on the cheek will do as well.

It'll be my first time. And I would love nothing more than to celebrate it with my own Mama. My God how I miss her. Celebrating it with her would be so different this time around. Not just because I will no longer take her and the day for granted. But also because now I KNOW what she went through to have all five of us. What she did for us. I'm sure my sisters felt the same when they had their kids.

What would I do? I would arrange for a sisters-and-Mama outing, have a hearty lunch at a cozy place where we could talk and chat and bitch. I would ask her how did it feel like when she had my eldest sister, how did she feel with five daughters... and with an adopted son. What did she find most challenging as a mother? How was I as a baby? What was my favorite food? When did I first give her a smile? Do all babies' poo smell as bad as Hamzah's?

And then we would all laugh together.

Wishful thinking.

I should stop before my tears starts to flow.

Deep breaths, Mira.

I won't be celebrating tomorrow, because my Boo is down with dengue. Its mild, but mild dengue equates to bad fever, coughing, back pain, joint aches, loss of appetite. Poor Sayang. But Alhamdullilah, his platelet count has increased. Rasa macam nak peluk dia and comfort him all the time, but its kind of impossible with a 3-month old infant.

But its ok. I will still be spending the day with my boys. And like I said, even a little wish and kisses on the cheeks would do. For now. Nyahahah.

So remember kids. Go hug her if you guys are in the same house. If you guys are not, then take a drive to her place, and then hug her. If she stays too far (and by too far, I mean in different states/countries all together; however, you in KL and she in Selangor DOES NOT COUNT) give her a call, and tell her how much you love her.

Coz you'll never know when the ability to do so will be taken away from you. And no amount of tears and wishful thinking can ever bring it back.

Happy Mother's Day.

heylow!

Hey all~

I have to admit, the lack of posts here is not because I do not have the time... but Twitter has proven to be so much easier when I need to vent out ASAP or make a quick statement. But alas, when you have a lot to say, 140 characters is not going to cut it.

So here I am. Blogging away~

I just want to apologize to those who have been victims of my 'kejap ada kejap tak ada' online self. It comes with being a mother of an infant; Hamzah has a pretty predictable schedule, but there are times when he just cries and wants someone to hold him. So to those who feels like I've been abandoning them when they're about to tell me stuff - sometimes very important stuff - I am sorry!

Also, apologies for not being able to commit to outings as often as I used to. I simply don't want to go out too much... Siapa nak jaga chunky boy kan? I will usually go out if my Sayang can take care of him... or Mommy, if she's available. And this is why sometimes I have to plan my outing in advance. I don't like to depend on Mommy's maids too much. I trust them... but only to an extent. They're not very experienced when it comes to caring for a baby, so kalau setakat buat susu and tukar diapers tu boleh la lagi.

Furthermore... I'm quite particular about the way things are done when it comes to Hamzah. Hubby dearest called me a control freak. I call it being a mother.

This is also why I sometimes ignore well-meaning advice by some very good people. Well, some of the advice tu actually memang tak boleh pakai pun, but a rare few do makes sense... but its just that I choose not to go down that road. Like using a buai to lull babies to sleep, for example. I hear that babies sleep better and longer with swings. I'm sure it works for other people, but holding Hamzah to sleep and singing to him works well for us. And the little lion is beginning to sleep longer at night for the past few days... So why change a good thing?

Lain orang, lain la cara dia. Doesn't mean you are wrong... Doesn't mean I am, too.

I'm gonna stop for a while... Hamzah's due for susu anytime soon.

Till later~

warning: this is a baby-related post.

... Well, most of the content is. :)

My confinement ended almost 2 weeks ago... and I haven't been able to stop eating sweet treats since then haha. Yeah I know I'm suppose to be losing weight and not add on to it, and really, I have no excuse for myself. Shame on you, Mira! I'm just waiting for the phase to go off... Assuming that it'll go away eventually :P

My Sayang and I went out last Monday to satiate my craving for Chili's, and in a way to 'celebrate' my new-found freedom. Wish I didn't binge on those artichoke dip, coz when my ribs arrived I could only eat like 5 small bites before giving up. Haih rugi. Oh well. Will be going out tomorrow to buy Hamzah's stroller (Quinny Buzz yeay!), and then a quick stop to Midvalley. Maybe Japanese for lunch? hmmm.

Hamzah has doubled his birth weight yeay! He was born 1.82kg, and last week he hit the 3.5kg mark. We expect his weight to be about 4kg by now. He's having a bit of a reflux problem, but not too much. One of the cons of formula-feeding I guess.

Oh and he's going to be 2 months' old on Monday whee! As for his milestones... he's begun cooing already, but not to anyone directly. He can hold his gaze on a person/object for longer now, and he tends to reach out to grab stuff sometimes... usually when he's angry haha.

And yes, I realize that at his age he should be able to do a bit more, like giving out a social smile and laughter, but Hamzah's adjusted age is only 2 weeks... so I pretty much treat him like a newborn when it comes to his developments.

Ooooh. He can also fit into some of his day clothes already! yeay! haha.

By right, I should be going back to work on 30th March... but ntah la. It seems that being a stay-at-home-mom is an option as well, if certain things go to plan. hmm.

By the way, expect a lot of baby posts from now on. Hamzah seems to be the only topic I talk about with passion nowadays.

Makan time!

oh baby.

Emran Hamzah is 16 days old today. :)

The day of his arrival was a rollercoaster of emotions for me, and I bet for my Sayang too. He's premature by 6 weeks, and that alone sent me on a low so low it was unbelievable that I got back up. And then there were the other complications: my water leaked about a week before that, which could lead to an infection, the medication (Ventolin, I think that's the name) they put me on to prolong contraction was giving me palpitations and a fever, and to top it all off our baby's heartbeat was fast as well.

This is why the good doctor advised us to go for emergency Cesarean rather than normal delivery.

And the contractions. Oh my the contractions. Yes, I do realize that my threshold of pain is low compared to most people, and to some what I experienced may have been mild, but it was my body, and it was me who was taking all the pain, and those contractions were NASTY. They were only 2 minutes apart, and after about 15 hours dilation was only at 2cm. The epidural was necessary!

I remember thinking as we were driving to the hospital at 2am, "So this is how I'm going to celebrate my birthday, huh?" Lying on the hospital bed, being monitored by nurses with machines and devices to keep a close watch on me and the little one inside me. Somehow it didn't occur to me, while we were driving by Subang Parade, then I would be sharing my birth date with my son. Not only that, I was born 29th January 1981 at 4:10pm; Hamzah arrived at 4:43pm. The time was only apart by 33 minutes. How cool is that?

:)

In a way, I was glad that the doctor opted for emergency C-sec, rather than knocking me out completely. They made sure I couldn't see anything during the op, but from the moment the doctor said "Congratulations, its a boy!" to that time when I heard his cry for the first time, and to when the nurses and paediatrician check on him behind me and finally when he was presented before my eyes... I was fed on a natural high that kept on rising up. I was so happy he's arrived, I forgot that he was still a preemie.

And I thought to myself (or did I say it out loud in the operating theatre? hmm.) that this is the best way to celebrate a birthday ever.

And now at home, 16 days later, and he has been the reason for so many smiles and happy faces around the house. His Nenek and Tok Ayah can't seem to get enough of him, and his Mak Chu happily takes the duty of "Hamzah's Official Photographer" away from us. Even the boys' heart are melting... so does ours. For a premature baby, he is healthy, and Alhamdullilah fully formed physically. Not much else we could ask for, really.

Of course, caring for a child is not without its challenges. And this boy challenges us every night from 10pm to about 6am. I've cried and sighed and dozed off while trying to coax him to sleep, but in the morning I wake up, and I don't need any reminder that this is all worth it.

And my support system has been great. My Babe stays up with me when Hamzah cries and whines, and Mommy is always just a phone call away. I can just call my sisters when something is troubling me (and believe me, there is always something that troubles me everyday), and friends have offered helpful tips and advices.

I doubt myself sometimes, if I am really prepared and capable for this. I admit to wishing that things would be easier, that I can somehow know what would happen next. I fear about his development, about whether he is drinking enough milk, what would happen when I start work in April/May. But then I catch a glimpse of his smile, his frown, his pout, the movement of his chest as he breathe, and all my fears would somehow just disappear, albeit for just a brief moment.

I honestly never knew that love could ever feel like this.

the obligatory new year blog post

Seriously, I am still grasping with the idea that its already a whole new different year.

I felt like 2009 just sorta passed by me. Like there's so much more that I could've done to make it a better year, but time ran out.

I did not achieve any of my resolutions that i made last year; I did not lose weight, I did not find any sports that I enjoyed doing, and I'm kinda lacking in the 'do more stuff' part as well. I find it funny, and only a tad bit disappointed. Resolutions senang camtu pun susah nak keep, kan? :P

So what happened last year?

I worked only until the first seven months at RedMoney, where I stayed for a total of a year and four months. The weekly deadline took its toll on me, and I find myself unable to offer them any more than what I already was. I plateaued at work. And it seemed so obviously unfair to the bosses who had high expectations of me. :/ Plus, I was a lousy business writer. And that fact is emphasized by the fact that I have not much interest to write about the banking and finance sector anyways.

So what did I do? I left the company, and joined my hubby handling his Subway shops. I have more time now. And admittedly, sometimes more than what I needed. I miss the hustle and bustle of having a 9 to 6 (sometimes 9 to whatever-time-we-finish-with-the-newsletter) job, but I love love love spending time with my Boo. And I definitely appreciate the free time I have... my pregnancy is not exactly a breeze, and there are a lot of days when I just couldn't get up on time to go to work.

Its one of the perks of working with your husband as your boss :)

Ah. And the pregnancy. We confirmed my pregnancy on Tuesday, 7th July. Our baby was detected at a very early stage of pregnancy... 4th week to be exact. It has been such a rollercoaster ride so far; emotionally and physically. But I remind myself to always be thankful for Allah's huge gift for me, even when I was puking my guts out in the bathroom :P

Less than 2 months and a half to go. 9 weeks to be exact. I remember having a conversation with one of my bestie Ikin, when she was telling me online that she had 9 weeks to go, and I thought, "9 weeks? It's still a long way for me to go." Dang it, it felt like yesterday!

And how could I forget, the US trip! It was one of the best 2 weeks of my life! I still wish for more time to be able to go to more places and do more things, but I'm being hopeful for another trip to the States, insya Allah. New York City and Washington DC was obviously the highlight of the trip. Atlantic City was kinda dead at that time of the year, so there was nothing to really shout about. Lyana is singing a different tune I'm sure; she's over in NJ/NY for new year's eve! *reeks with jealousy*

What else, what else. hmm. Tu je kot?

As for things that I look forward to this year - there are a few. Parenthood is obviously top of the list. People tell me that I will make a great mother, that my Sayang will be an awesome dad. To be honest, I don't know that yet. I don't think taking care of nephews and nieces would be sufficient practice (if at all) for parenthood... It's going to be a whole different ball game. I do believe, however, that we're going to do our very best. We have so much to learn, but with the many people we trust and love around to give us pointers, insya Allah it won't be a daunting task.

And if possible, I want to travel a little bit more. Yes, with a little one on tow. And when our boy is bigger, I hope to be able to decide as to whether I should go back to school, take up a short course on writing (I wonder if there's any available in Malaysia?), or get back into the working world. Makeup artistry class has to wait... I don't think I'll be able to come up with the money for it yet.

I hope to see my Babe win more medals in paintball tournaments. And... I want to lose a significant amount of kilos by the end of the year hehe. And ooh, to get my pavlova before my bun pops out of the oven! haha :D

Okay this post is long enough.

Happy 2010, people. Regardless of whether you make resolutions or not, I hope you'll achieve everything you hope for this year. But do remember that your family and loved ones are your pillar of strengths, so don't go breaking their hearts.