the last of illusions...

thank you to everyone for their kind words and wishes. also to those who didn't reply my message because you wanted to give me space. my gratitude to my friends who came to my house. many many thanks to my little support group [my boo kusa, fareen, and especially ikin for being there for me 24/7 till saturday] for watching me cry and lent me their shoulders. and i know you guys will come to me if i were to call and say "i need to cry again". thanks you thank you thank you. i couldn't say enough...

my emotions has resembled a yo-yo since last monday night. many asked me, "how did you manage to pull yourself together?" my answer? i don't know. i guess i'm doing okay, but i don't think i'm all fine and stuff. i guess i just go on as i usually do. i try not to be alone, especially in her room. i try not to pick up her perfume, or smell her clothes.

i wish i was a better daughter. there's so many things that i wish i could have done differently. i wish i was more cheerful on that fateful day. i wish i would frown a lot less when she called upon me to massage her, or to get her bags for her. i wish i knew then that because she was weaker than most people, the viral fever would be a lot worse for her than my sister.

i guess its helping in my mourning not to blame Allah. not to ask the Almighty questions like "why her? why now?", not to think about how her demise took me by so much surprise, that i didn't believe it initially. not to say, "the doctor could have been better at treating her" or things like that. redha would be the malay word for it. my only regret was that i could have been a better daughter for her.

i wish i recorded her voice. i still remember how it sounded like... soft, but firm. a little weak, but you don't quite hear it when she's angry. but will i still in 5 years' time? in a year? i want to remember her face without ever having to look into her pictures. EVER. i pray to God that i could...

my only solace would be that i was there when she passed away. that i dressed her as we were going to the hospital. that when she terduduk, i was there. and when she closed her eyes, though i didn't know that it was then she left us, i was with her.

Allahyarhamah Normah Abdullah... i love you, and i miss you so very much.

i wish i said those words to you more often.

Al-Fatihah.

almost to the end...

you guys have approximately 3 more days to email gina@thisisblythe.com and vote for my blythe [entry numbers #120, #121 and #122] for the customized girl contest. check out the entries and all other at www.thisisblythe.com and go to the gallery section. okay? geddit? if you do, then please PLEASE help me win!

Thank you :)

bummer.

am supposed to go out later tonight with my sayang, but probably have to ditch the idea since he'll be working late. it's no biggie, but i guess i'm a bit bummed out. dunno why i miss him so much... kusa would say it's because i plan too much into things that probably won't happen, but that's what i do. i plan. sigh.

but other than that, i can always expect a great time whenever i see the freakz. like last night, for instance. we spent the night just talking, and i wish zura and noran and yana didn't have to leave so early. well okay, it was almost 11 pm... but still... :P so thank you animz [who was the reason for the dinner last night :)], fareen, noran, yana and friends, zura, ili and zaf for last night. you guys rock :)

this is all for now. it's getting late and i wanna get home before it gets too dark. later world... ciao~

I wish you'd stayed...

if you have ever been hurt by love, or if you are in a relationship where sometimes it hurts to be in love, and you haven't watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, then you should. go watch it anyways if you don't believe in love, or haven't been in love, coz it'll teach you a thing or two. it's one of the most beautiful movie i have ever watched, and i can't believe that jim carrey is capable of such emotions. i won't dwell into the details as yet, as my babe haven't watched it and he hates spoilers. furthermore, i gotta get home.

...How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd...

don't really know what it means, but i'm gonna find out :)

later world... ciao~

a new month, a new bag, a new year...

... and this time it's a nine west tote bag, light pink with hot pink leather flowers all over, with cute accessories to complement it that includes a key ring, a leather tag and a little make up bag. all pink, of course. not from kusa, but from his mommy dearest. thank you so much, auntie! you've made my whole year a lot brighter and pink-er! *much love and kisses!*

kusa and i celebrated our 4th year anniversary last tuesday with little hoopla, but with a lot of love. we had dinner atoutback steakhouse in bangsar village and then off to midvalley to catch madagascar. which was freaking hilarious. i've watched better animated movies, but check out king julien. man... he was tripping! so go check it out if you guys haven't yet, and remember... mort is mine. muahahah. but anyhoot, we didn't have a big celebration... but huge enough. and the creme brulee is the best i've had in malaysia :)

to mr ezham kusa hafiez: i love you i love you i love you. thank you for a wonderful 4 years, and i hope to be able to say "happy 40th anniversary" to you somewhere down the road. we've been through good and bad times, laughter and fights, wangi and busuk smell [wangi: me, busuk: you!], tickles and kisses, etc etc... and all i hope for is many many many more of those. *kisses*

:
time has its way
to show me the reason for living
the world and all its splendour
gives me a sense of believing

that our love, will shine thru
and will keep us, keep us forever
and our love, will pull us thru
the bad times and keep us together

i don't wanna fight this feeling no more

wanna love you and love you, its you i adore

cause its you that matters

just the sight of you throws my heart ashore

and the joy you bring opens up my door

cause its you that matters

my love, need to bloom
like a flower a process unencumbered
that want, should i feel
when that trail i truly discovered

that our love, will shine thru
and will keep us, keep us forever
and our love, will pull us thru
the bad times and keep us together
:

okay, so it's reshmonu's, and i totally ignored the rap rasta whatever part coz i hate it. huha.

later people... gotta satisfy my hunger for food. later world... ciao~