we had a little discussion about the major things that happened to us in 2005 on the way to see the fireworks last night. i lead a mediocre life, so there was almost nothing that came to mind when Ikin asked me, "what are the major things that happened to you, Mira?" [ok, so she didn't exactly say those words, but you get it]. all i could say was, "my mom." [and those are my exact words]
there are, of course, other things and occurences. i'm still in the middle of taking my driver's license, i lost a significant amount of weight and 2 dress sizes, and uh... my hair was de-virginized a few days before Aidilfitri. haha.
but my mother's demise took a toll on me. not physically... but a day that goes by without me thinking about things that i could've done differently is rare, and i think about her everyday. i'm not known for remembering the past... but this is different.
my one other regret in my life is also, i assume, my mother's regret. i did not complete my Performing Arts diploma programme in UiTM. even before she passed away, i wondered many times how it would've been if i were to complete the diploma. i would probably completed my degree too by now, and maybe started working, instead of still going to college. and everytime, i would stop wondering, because i am happy with my small circle of friends now, and the sappy me says, that i am perfectly happy with my relationship with Kusa. i probably wouldn't be able to keep my friendship with the freakz, and i would probably never meet Ikin and my babe. many things would have happened; many things wouldn't have happened. i am happy now, no doubt.
i still do think about UiTM nowadays, admittedly. especially friends like shuhana, fadz, and umar. and sometimes... just sometimes, i think about how i would have made my mother happy that she had the chance to see me complete my education.
and then i would stop myself again, and like today, i would probably say, "what's the use of regrets? she would have still left as it was time, and now... i have Ikin, Fareen, Kusa and Zura to talk to about my mother. about anything. and the freakz. would i still have them if things were different? would i have anyone?"
i'll never know. the only certainty i have is now. my friends. my future plans. which i plan to keep and have until the end of my time.
Insya Allah.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
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2 comments:
yer la sayang oi, looking back once in a while takpe when u want to learn from mistake. but never have regrets, coz those unplanned things that happen only makes u a better person. so u didn't finish UiTM, just not meant to be darling, the path u went thru right now is the one that Allah have planned for u. Maybe u think that u didn;t grant ur mom;s wish by not graduating from UiTM, but u are her daughter till the very end and u were there, wif her. u have been a very good daughter to her and that;s all every mom needs. cheers kiddo, we need each other now more than ever. I need to stop wondering "what ifs" too and actually start doing. 2006, the year that things will actually fell in to places. oh ek?
*pats back* I understand how you feel. I often have such thoughts as well.But I'm sure your mum must have been proud of you nevertheless. She's lucky to have a beautiful & kind daughter who will no doubt love her until the end of time. ;)
Don't dwell on the past.Move on and plan for the future. ;)
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