the last of illusions...

thank you to everyone for their kind words and wishes. also to those who didn't reply my message because you wanted to give me space. my gratitude to my friends who came to my house. many many thanks to my little support group [my boo kusa, fareen, and especially ikin for being there for me 24/7 till saturday] for watching me cry and lent me their shoulders. and i know you guys will come to me if i were to call and say "i need to cry again". thanks you thank you thank you. i couldn't say enough...

my emotions has resembled a yo-yo since last monday night. many asked me, "how did you manage to pull yourself together?" my answer? i don't know. i guess i'm doing okay, but i don't think i'm all fine and stuff. i guess i just go on as i usually do. i try not to be alone, especially in her room. i try not to pick up her perfume, or smell her clothes.

i wish i was a better daughter. there's so many things that i wish i could have done differently. i wish i was more cheerful on that fateful day. i wish i would frown a lot less when she called upon me to massage her, or to get her bags for her. i wish i knew then that because she was weaker than most people, the viral fever would be a lot worse for her than my sister.

i guess its helping in my mourning not to blame Allah. not to ask the Almighty questions like "why her? why now?", not to think about how her demise took me by so much surprise, that i didn't believe it initially. not to say, "the doctor could have been better at treating her" or things like that. redha would be the malay word for it. my only regret was that i could have been a better daughter for her.

i wish i recorded her voice. i still remember how it sounded like... soft, but firm. a little weak, but you don't quite hear it when she's angry. but will i still in 5 years' time? in a year? i want to remember her face without ever having to look into her pictures. EVER. i pray to God that i could...

my only solace would be that i was there when she passed away. that i dressed her as we were going to the hospital. that when she terduduk, i was there. and when she closed her eyes, though i didn't know that it was then she left us, i was with her.

Allahyarhamah Normah Abdullah... i love you, and i miss you so very much.

i wish i said those words to you more often.

Al-Fatihah.